Messiness

I feel a bit of a struggle writing this post. These past few weeks my blog has become a hive of activity as I have shared about my trip to Ethiopia. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful to the Father for providing a space where I can share my story, but up until this point, this was my secret little place for the last 2 years where I got to be me, and now all of a sudden I feel the presence of people, some I know, passing by, and there is a part of me that feels like everyone just got the key to my journal.

For me, this blog has been a safe space to express whatever was going on in my heart. I never felt like I was writing to anyone in particular, it really has just been a creative outlet for me as I navigate my way through life, but suddenly, I feel like I want to hide, and crawl back into my shell, safely tucked away.

But, I also know that I need to put my brave face on. Something I said in my About Me page, when I first created this site, was that I wanted to be real; I didn’t want to hide behind a facade, but currently, that is proving more difficult than I had previously anticipated. There is a lot of that going on around here – I don’t feel like I correctly anticipated all these emotions that I’d feel, all the times I’ve had to sit quietly and process everything.

Father has been working in my heart for so many years with regards to mission work that I naively expected it to be a breeze once it finally happened. I felt so strong and bold leading up to it, but frankly, it has tested me and stretched me in ways I just never expected. I genuinely don’t enjoy the spotlight on me, or drawing unnecessary attention to myself and for me it’s been a struggle reaching out to people, even those that care about me. It’s been hard to invite people to this blog, it’s been especially hard to ask for financial support. The constant networking, planning, being brave has left me on more than one occasion feeling like a complete and utter mess.

I know that this probably sounds like a whole lot of complaining, but I also need to be able to be honest here. I don’t want to pretend and present myself as stoic and inhuman, because the truth of the matter, is that I am very much human, and a pretty messy one at that. For me, there are too many people painting these perfect pictures of what life is like and I just refuse to be one of those. Nor do I want to portray an image that everything that the Father is doing has anything to with me or my abilities, because it really doesn’t. He has opened the doors because He is great and powerful and this is His will. Full disclosure: crying myself to sleep because I feel so incapable and helpless has been close to a nightly occurrence for me recently, but not once has He told me that I need to be more or do more, all He has asked of me, and all He asks of you, is to surrender it all to Him and remain obedient and that at the end of the day is all that I have.

He has carried me through so much recently. He is carrying me now as I try and press on and as I try not become too overwhelmed at the prospect of having to keep putting myself out there. Maybe not everyone needs to hear this, but I need to say it. He is carrying me. He is making a way. He is opening doors, no man can shut. And He is doing all this even though I am one messy human, because that’s who He is. He doesn’t need super humans, He needs surrendered ones.

♦wbr♦

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