I want to go home. To the home, I don’t yet have. I want to go home, where my heart is full and my joy overflows. Sitting in this season is hard. I know that I am being molded and shaped, but it is hard. I am trying to be brave and courageous, because that’s what my King has asked of me, but often, I feel anything but that. I feel lost, knowing that I’m in a place that is not my own, living a life that isn’t mine either – but still, in this place, the Father works. Giving me just enough light to see the next step, but no more.
I know my heart belongs to Africa. I know it’s where I left it. I feel the gut-wrenching pain of it being there without me. I say Africa, because I am not yet sure if I consider South Africa my true home. I feel the call to walk upon the land of places I have yet to see.
It is difficult for me at times to see the people around me establish themselves and lay the foundations of the life they believe they need to live. I know we all have our struggles figuring this out, but I want to start laying those foundations too. I want to plant my roots deep into the red African earth, the land where less is more. When I speak about Africa here in England, people often wince and say, ‘But, isn’t it dangerous?’ I think living in these developed, first world countries is far more dangerous. I’ve felt how easy it is to get sucked into feeling that you need all this. That you need the latest phone, car or T.V. It has been eye opening for me to see a land filled with money but to see no richness. A land where everyone has so much but all I see is poverty. I sometimes feel so incredibly alone in this walk – surrounded by people that aren’t bad, but they just seem so closed off from the world and its truth.
I do love this country and I will always be fond of it, because it is the country where I realized my truth. It is in this land that I became who I needed to be for the next leg of the journey – whatever that may be. Until then, though, I continue to wait patiently on the Father. I continue to be brave and courageous, because that’s what my King has asked of me.