As the year draws to an end, I can’t help but to reflect on it. What a year. Truly one like no other. At the beginning of the year, the Father gave me one word to sum up what lay ahead – Growth. The running theme for my year, was grow. And grow I did. I’ve grown in areas of my life I never thought I would. I’ve grown in places that I don’t think people will understand, because I didn’t have anyone walking the road with me. I’ve grown in places I don’t even think one can see, because this growing and this changing has been happening so deep within me that it doesn’t even reach the surface.
About a year ago, if not more, I heard the Father calling me into a season of solitude. No friends or family around me – just Him and me; walking in the wilderness. And it has been hard, the hardest year yet, but I understand it. Everything that has happened this year, I have understood, but that didn’t make it any easier. I don’t feel that I can dwell on this, because honestly it’ll be too easy to dwell on all the hardship, all the negatives. To easy to cry, ‘Woe is me!’ and ‘You don’t understand.’ So I’m going to rather remember the good and give thanks that today, I am still standing.
This year, I learned that I don’t need anyone. May be a harsh statement, but I’ve realised that the people in my life, my friends and my family, are blessings. They bring joy to my life, and they offer an ear or shoulder to cry on when need be, but for the first time in my life, I’ve realised that they too are human. They carry their own weight of the world, they make mistakes and their lives are messy, just like me, and because of this, they can’t carry me too. They have no power to change their situation, never mind my own. This year, I was able to see how co-dependent I have been on people in the past. I have really had to learn to let people go – it doesn’t mean that they are no longer in my life, but the dynamics have changed. I no longer lean on them, or look to them to define who I am. I stand on my own two feet, knowing who I am and knowing Who defines me. You are not entitled to the people in your life, they are gifts from God.
Another thing I learned this year, is how much the Father wants to heal us. I have carried pain my whole life and I wasn’t even aware. I carried hurt from my childhood, words that were said, things that were done; and I think all this pain that we carry becomes the new normal and we start to forget the burden on our shoulders. He doesn’t want us walking through life weighed down by these burdens. He wants us free.
This year, Yahweh brought restoration to my relationship with my family, especially my parents. This year, with both sisters living overseas, I have been blessed to have some one-on-one time with my parents. I have had the opportunity to get to know them, and them me, something that I feel was lacking in my younger years. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, it was just bound to happen in busy, full household. Though at times, our relationship has felt the growing pains, I am so grateful and proud of how far we have come. We have learned acceptance through being different. We have learned forgiveness through openness and trust and it feels that no matter what may happen in the extended family, we, the immediate family, have learned to get on the same team and rally together. Our unit remains complete regardless of the past and regardless of the distance.
The past few weeks have been so difficult, and I have felt in a constant state of despair. I have no hope, and very little faith, but I have to trust God is working it out. Sometimes we go through times in our lives where we feel abandoned and left to fend for ourselves. Sometimes we really have no clue why it is the way that it is, or what is going on, but the fact that the Father has brought me this far must mean something. It means that He is working it all out for the better. It means that He is working harder for me than what I may even realise or see, and that is why, when I look to next year; there is the smallest spark of hope, but I am also terrified. What happens if nothing changes? What happens if it is just another repeat? I won’t be able to do it all over again. That being said, if there is anything that I have learned this year, is that He is there with me every single step of the way, even when I am unable to take one more step, He is there. Truly never leaving me, never forsaking me and so I’ll cling to that tiny spark of hope. I’ll cling to the promises He’s spoken over me and I’ll trust that He works all things out for the good of those who love Him.