I’ve spent a large portion of my life relying on people; looking to them for guidance/acceptance/support. I always thought that I naturally inclined to needing people’s opinions in my life but this week I learned that in fact is not true about me. I learned that I tend to process things internally and talk it out with the Father. It was something that I have really had to sit with this week. In the past I was so quick to offer up how I was feeling, and then wait on people to see what they would say, however, this week I kept feeling frustrated or misunderstood and I couldn’t understand why. I know the friends and family that reached out to me were coming from a place of love, but oftentimes I almost felt like I wanted to ask the poor person to rather leave me alone, because any advice or opinions weren’t actually making me feel any better, but rather working me up into a state because I couldn’t get the words out properly, and the ones I did somehow weren’t understood. And so, this week has been a bit of a learning curve for me, and it was in these moments that I was learning something about myself.
Advice, more times than not, is generally not necessary. Neither is a solution. I know it’s difficult, because some people feel like they need to fix the problem, and I get it. When a friend comes to me I also want to help and sometimes end up talking their ear off, but when you do more talking than the person with the problem then you should probably know something isn’t quite right there. I am a pretty private person, I keep most of what I go through to myself. This isn’t unhealthy; this doesn’t mean I am bottling my emotions, leaving them undealt with, I am very much dealing with my emotions, but I am dealing with them with the One who knows me better than myself. The One who I can scream at, and fight with, and blame and know that at the end of the day He will still be there, listening to me and loving me. I am very much a messy human, I say things out of anger, whether directed at you or not, because unfortunately that’s just how it works sometimes with people. Those closest to you end up taking it out on you, not because they hate you, but because we’re human; and I’d rather take it out on God than on my best friend or my mom, because I think we all know that His level of patience is far greater than anyone else’s. The same goes for His grace and mercy.
Another thing that I have learned this week, is somewhere along my little blogging journey; I forgot my reason for starting it. These past few weeks, I have been very aware of the people following this blog, and by that I mean the people who I know. Somewhere, I stopped writing for myself, but instead started writing for them. Some posts were sad little cries of attention, all woe is me and that’s not what I want for this space. This is a safe place for me to share my thoughts. This isn’t a ‘how to deal with Bianca’, or ‘What’s going on with Bianca’ blog. This is my place to be me, to say what I feel and to be real about what I am going through, regardless of who reads, regardless of who follows, and so I’m doing away with that pressure I’ve placed on myself, I’m doing away with the little cries of ‘please notice me’ because that’s not me, and it’s not what I want for this.
And so, that’s me and my week. Needing time alone. Not being able to answer every question, not being able to share every tiny detail..Just me, right here and right now.
And just so you know. I’m doing okay.