I knew the Father had been calling me to slow down, to sit, to listen. I knew this, but still I ran. This month, that’s all I have been doing: Running. Running in spite of the calls to stop; running in spite of the warning signs going off. Running. So desperate to get out off my current situation that I didn’t care what I was running too, because I was more concerned about what I was running from. And then this weekend I ran out of steam. I knew that it was coming. I was aware of the fact that my petrol light had been on for a while, I knew my oil needed changing, and so it was inevitable.
I have decided against going on the world race. I know that ultimately it isn’t about saying no to this, but rather about saying yes to the Father’s will, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s easy. I have peace about the situation, because I know that it is what God wants for me..and I also know that His plan for me is far greater than my own, but still. When I first found out that I was accepted onto the world race, it was like this light suddenly appeared at the end of the tunnel. I saw the way out, and now it feels like it has been taken away and I am back to trusting, and walking by faith and not by sight. Fundamental steps that we all go through on our walk with Yeshua, and so I understand it. But still.
I do still believe that the Father has plans for me on the mission field, and I know that in His timing it will happen. I have also come to realise that before He can send me out, He must send me in. Into my heart to discover who He has made me to be. To go on my own personal journey to find all the beautiful things that He has planted within me. It is time for me to stop focusing on all the bad and to let go of my past. Yeshua didn’t die on the cross, and use His blood to wipe my slate clean just for me to dwell on the past. This year has been all about healing and deliverance, and yes it’s been the hardest yet, but it has been filled with amazingly sweet moments with my God and I have learned a greater intimacy with Him that I haven’t experienced before.
And so here I am, hiding behind the branches, but not wanting to anymore. I hear Him call my name, asking me to stop hiding, to come out, like He did that day in the garden when He called to Eve. I am making the decision to step out, though I am afraid I also know that it is time. He wants to reveal to me my own heart. He wants to show me where my passions lie and what my heart stands for. He wants to water the seeds He planted in my own heart, and He wants to show me the flowers that are starting to bloom.
A lot of people cite the scripture in Isaiah 6, where he says to the Father, “Here I am, send me!” But the most important part here is not ‘send me’, but ‘here I am’. He had to take the courageous step to enter into Yahweh’s terrifyingly awesome presence and declare ‘HERE I AM!’ Here I am Father, an imperfect being in love with a perfect God. Here I am, a mess, nothing but dust. Here I am, a sinner. Here I am, a child of the living God. Here I am, chosen, redeemed, loved.
Here I am
Though I was desperately crying out send me, I was forgetting the vital, most important part. And so, before I can say send me; I need to come out of hiding, forget the old and look to the new and declare:
HERE I AM