A couple of months ago I started to feel like something new was on its way. I couldn’t understand it and so I began to pray about it. I still battled to get clarity as nothing around me had changed and so I started to put my feelers out there. New job opportunities? A move? It all led to a dead-end leaving me feeling disappointed and confused. I had a serious case of the itchy feet and nothing seemed to calm the problem.
And then one day – there it was.
I’d found my dream. I spoke about this in a previous post, The Dream Giver. It was the day I received an answer to a question I had been asking for so long. On that day they just met and collided and all I could do was cry. It was the day I found out my dream; a dream that had been lying dormant within me. A dream that was awakened and came to life with just 3 words.
I saw these 3 words on a fellow bloggers website and they just shouted at me and begged me to find out more about them, and so I did. I spent my afternoon pouring over the numerous blogs posted by racers. I honestly cried most of the time – I was just so moved and I had such a deep sense that this was for me. This was it. Being me, I tried to rein myself in. I tried to quench what the Father was so obviously doing in my heart. I had to think this through clearly, because this was way too big. “This is madness!” I told myself, “I can’t give up everything. My job, my flat, a steady income. This isn’t you, Bianca. Responsible, careful Bianca.“
But it was and it is me. I may have lived a sheltered life and had all my needs met. I may have no experience or qualifications; but regardless of all these glaringly obvious facts.
This is me
This is my heart’s desire: To give it all up for my King. To embark on an adventure of a lifetime; to go on an epic God-chasing journey. Because this is me: A crazy, irresponsible God chaser. And so, I threw caution to the wind and applied. And guess what??
I got accepted!!
Though I knew that this was what God wanted; when the letter of congratulations arrived, I was shocked! And though 2 weeks have passed, and I am even more convinced that this is God’s will for my life; I am terrified. How on earth am I going to do this? Fundraising, visas – How am I going to come out of hiding and reach out to people? For 2 weeks. Me me me me me.
And then God. God; who created the heavens and the earth. God; who created you and me. God; who sent His only Son to die on a cross that we may have life. God; who led a friend of mine to salvation. A friend I have known for 12 years and who I never expected it from. God; who healed a pain my dad had been living with for 30 years. God; who loved me at my darkest. God; who saved me when I was unable to save myself. God. Not me, but God.
And so, I am taking one last look back before taking a step forward. I’m hopping from one stepping stone to the next as I remember all that God has done for me and I look to all that He will do. Though I may be at the very beginning of this exciting yet daunting journey, I remind myself:
No matter what life throws at you – But God
Because this is impossible – But God
Thinking a friend will never get saved – But God
Living with massive pain for 30 years – But God
Always – God