To be frank, I don’t remember every dreaming before I met Yeshua. I don’t even remember who I was before God. I don’t remember what my hopes and aspirations were, or if I even had any. When I was alone, what did I think about? Who did I believe I was or who did I hope to become? I truly believe that it was only once I met God that I began to live and I fully understand the term ‘born again’ because that’s what happened: I was given a second chance at life, I was born again.
You can read more about this here, but today I want to share my God-dream. For the past year I have heard so many people talk about their God-dream. A dream so unique to them, yet so much greater than them – which is where God comes in. At the beginning of the year, I hosted a small praise and worship session in my little flat with a few close friends. Afterwards, we sat and shared our hopes and dreams for the future. I remember feeling saddened, because my friends were full of these hopes and dreams and I felt like I had nothing to add. I didn’t know what I hoped for and here were my friends, brimming over, their eyes alive with all the possibilities of their God-dreams.
You see, 2 years ago, any dream I may have had, was gone. I am sure that I once hoped for the husband, the 2.4 children, the house, the car, the overseas holidays, because on average, isn’t that what everyone hopes for? I am not saying that it is bad to hope for these things, but for me, the day I met Yeshua resulted in all this to fall into the shadow of His splendour. From that day, I was completely stripped bare; so brand new, that I have spent the past few years not only getting to know God, but also getting to know myself.
And so, as the night drew to an end and my friends left, I remember sitting in my bed discussing this God-dream notion with the Father. Why did I no longer have a dream, or even a goal for the year? Was something wrong with me? He didn’t comfort me with an answer, or a new dream or plan for my life. In fact, He didn’t say anything, but I do believe that it was after that night that a seed was planted. I remember almost being able to physically feel it growing in my heart, though it was still so tiny and I had no idea what it was. I also remember going to a friend of mine and asking her very seriously, “Do you ever feel like you have a massive dream inside of you, but you have no idea what it is?” I can’t remember her answer, but I am sure that I was met with a questionable look. But, that was how I felt and it was the only way that I knew how to describe it.
A massive dream inside of me, but I have no idea what it is
It was through my friend’s blog that I was lead to Holley Gerth’s website. Holley Gerth is the author of some really amazing books of encouragement. Some of her titles are: Opening the door to your God-sized dream and You’re made for a God-sized dream, and though to be honest, I haven’t actually read her books yet, I am not even sure that they are available in South Africa, I decided to subscribe to her blog which was like receiving little dew drops of hope and love and encouragement directly into my inbox.
It was through this that I actively started to seek out my dream, to seek God’s face and to allow the Living Waters to nourish and grow this little budding seed in my heart, and a few months ago, when it came to me like a soft drizzle; instead of stopping, turning my face to the sky and allowing myself to gently soak in this realisation; I chose to rather open up my umbrella to prevent myself from getting wet and thought to myself, “No, no, this is too big, this is not for me!”
Funny, isn’t it? After months of praying and feeling this flower start to bloom into something beautiful and my reaction? To deny it. Ignore it. Not even explore it. So what did the Father do? What any good father would. He brought the rain! He brough the wind! And oh my, did it storm! And me? I fought it, and then I fought it some more until my pitiful umbrella was flung from grip and I was left stranded and utterly drenched, shouting, “OKAY! OKAY!” No where to run and hide. No way about it, but to acknowledge it, to accept it, to own it.
And so here it is, my dream. I long to do mission work. Don’t ask me how or when or why, because I don’t know. I have absolutely no experience, no qualification and zero funds. It is completely impossible…but that’s where God comes in.
Even as I write this, I feel the presence of God around me. “Do you hear Me now?” He asks.
Yes, Papa, I hear you