I’ve been sitting staring at this post. Knowing and understanding how I feel yet unable to put it down on paper. To be honest, I feel angry, and disgruntled, and frustrated. Those of you that have been following know that I have been trying to change my perspective on things, and yes to a certain degree, it has helped. Has it solved the situation? No.
I do think that being positive can help some pretty difficult situations, but I have come to realise it’s not the only answer. A while ago, I started to feel ‘uncomfortable’ in life. I felt unsure of what I wanted, I questioned if I was making the right decisions. When I took a step back and asked myself is this what I really want – the answer was a resounding no. Yet, because I wasn’t sure what I wanted, I didn’t know what to do, so I kept on. I just feel like I am living a mediocre life, and I know that there are so many people who have nothing, and it may come across as ungrateful, but bear with me. Yes, I am blessed, and yes I am grateful, and yes, I know exactly Who this has come from, but lately I feel like I am outgrowing my life.
This weekend, I realised what I wanted. Even as I sit and write this I have tears in my eyes, because the desire in me is so strong that it has completely moved me. A want so deep, it feels more like a need. You see, I found my God dream. A precious ruby that I want to share with people, yet am afraid to do so. A precious ruby that I feel I need to fiercely protect. A precious ruby that I am so afraid will never come to be.
And, suddenly this time of my life somehow has started to make sense. It explains the times where I felt annoyed about my life. I am not saying it’s OK to be a Negative Nelly, I have learned a lot through keeping a positive outlook, but the reason I have been feeling this is because this isn’t my heart anymore. I feel like I have been fighting against the old and the new. I feel like I have been leading 2 different lives. The one life that just blends in with the status quo and the second life that wants to resist against this. The latter, is what I choose. I don’t want to just be anymore. I want to live. I want to be extreme for God, because He was extreme for me and you when He hung on that cross. I don’t want to be just that Christian Girl, I want to live a surrendered life, madly in love with My King. I want to be set apart unto Him and I want to shout this from the rooftops. I want the world to know, I need the world to know.