It’s been a while since my last post. I feel like so much has been going on around me and in my mind, yet at the same time there has been such a stillness; a quiet. A lack of words, really. I’ve been thinking about my next blog post, waiting for inspiration. I don’t feel the pressure to post a certain amount each week, after all, my reason for creating this blog wasn’t for anyone else, but me. I’ve needed a platform to share my thoughts, to be real, to be me. A filing system, if you will, where I can make sense of what is going on around me, and within me. I see this blog as more of a filing cabinet. An online journal. A creative outlet. A safe space.
I feel such a stillness around me. A quietness that is currently boggling my mind. Last week it was a comfort. This week however, it has left me frustrated. It has left me questioning, ‘Is this it?’. I am aware of how blessed I am, and from previous blogs you will know that I have been trying to live a more grateful, positive life, a changing of perspective, but to put it frankly, I feel dissatisfied this week. Wondering, hoping that there is more ahead. I am well aware of the irony that my previous blog was titled Choosing Hope, because this week I am really struggling to do just that. How do you remain hopeful when it seems that every door has been shut? How do you hold onto your dreams, when it feels like that is exactly what they will always be: Dreams.
I think if this time of my life had to be labeled it would be called The In-between, because that’s how I feel; caught in the in-between. Waiting patiently for whatever it is that I am expecting next. That’s the thing though, don’t ask me what it is that I am expecting, because I couldn’t tell you, I don’t know. But lately it feels like I have had to give up on my dreams and this makes me sad, but why does life seem to do that? Drain you of your time, your strength, your resources? How do we remain hopeful when there just doesn’t seem to be a way? I feel like these past few months I’ve been searching for a path, a walkway – anything that is leading to this next part, something to bridge the gap between yesterday and tomorrow, and until that happens, here I am, in the in-between.
Some people really seem to have the blogging knack. They have the right amount of seriousness, the right amount of humour, as if they are following some recipe. I don’t have that recipe, and sometimes I chide myself for being too deep or serious, it can be an insecurity for me, but there is no use comparing oneself..I’ve had to learn that the hard way. So yes, this post is serious, and yes it is deep, but it doesn’t mean that I am defeated, or that I am giving up. Whatever this present day holds, I know that I am learning to honour the space of no longer and not yet, because ultimately that is what it comes down to: A certain part of my life is no longer, and the new part of my life is not yet. And so once again, here I am, in the in-between. Learning to be patient, often falling short in that department, but learning to worship Yeshua in the hallway, until the next door is opened.